


Stoney Lonesome

by Kameiko



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24088054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kameiko/pseuds/Kameiko
Summary: Selina wants to be nosey.Bruce wants to spy.Damian wants to continue to be annoying.Slade wants a kiss.Dick wants peace and quiet.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Slade Wilson, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41
Collections: Fandom 5K 2020





	Stoney Lonesome

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FleetSparrow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleetSparrow/gifts).



_I wish I hadn’t agreed to…babysit…these two needy competitive morons._ Selina didn’t really think that, not out loud at least. The last thing she needed was for her soon-to-be stepsons yelling at her for interrupting them over some kind of gaming tournament these two had their minds largely engrossed in. The game didn’t even look that fun. Sure, the characters kind of looked like their hero and villain selves, but where was the royalty pay in all of this? The alternate costumes are horrendous with their different color pallets, and the hours upon hours of grinding for her special whip didn’t make much sense. Why not just add a game mechanic to this fighting game that requires stealing, stealth, and maybe using a cat or two for a robbery? _Probably ran out of gaming ideas like the pop culture entertainment business ran out of movies and TV shows._

“I will get you, Grayson! You can’t escape my arsenal!” None other than Damian Wayne at the helm of the console controller, button mashing in a strategic way that made Dick Grayson’s version of Nightwing look like a fly on the wall. Not to mention his flair didn’t hold up against the dark colors of the Robin costume or his bo staff. Getting constantly wacked in the head didn’t sound like a good time.

Dick wasn’t amused with Damian’s cocky comments. He had a long day of dealing with bad guys on the streets of Gotham, and since he was forbidden to beating them to death with his own sticks he decided to take his anger and frustration out on the closest virtual inanimate object he could, hence Damian’s in-game Robin. Just wanted to wipe that smug look off his face and wait for the ring announcer to yell out: FINISH HIM! Not the correct game or the right fatality set, but in Dick’s mind this will have to do. Maybe when he sees Jason, he can have a sparring session with all bets on the table. At times they both need to cool off their level head, and why not in a match? Winner gets bragging rights and a cool leather jacket. Dick could wear it on his next date, and impress whoever he decided to go out with.

“Grayson? You’re not concentrating on the game. I can see that sick and disgusting puppy look.” On cue Damian always decided to be. Damian paused the match and placed the controller down next to him. He debated if he should ask Cat to team up with him to smack a bit of sense into the other’s head before he ended up dreaming about a date with a certain mercenary that Bruce would definitely not approve of or use that for blackmail. Damian rubbed his chin thoughtfully at that conniving scheme. Blackmail or be the bigger man? No, that wouldn’t work. The whole situation is hypocritical due to the current Bat and Cat situation. Everyone in this family had to date some sort of troublemaker, didn’t they?

 _What’s he staring at me for?_ Selina quirked an eyebrow at the younger male. Did he want a piece of her salt and vinegar chips? Did Damian even indulge in such sweets? The kid doesn’t seem to be set on the type of going out with his father and future stepmom for ice cream like Jon and his parents would. _That be a sight. The entire bat family walks into a mom and pop ice cream parlor run by a nice old couple. That be a story for Vale to write about. If I ever get pregnant one day, this would be a hilarious tease to Bruce to see him run out for pickles and vanilla at 2 AM, no 2 PM. He’s a night guy, and I have manners._ She smiled and reaches for her napkin next to her. Pay no mind to Damian’s thoughtless chatter. She couldn’t hear his mind without some sort of device that would allow her too. Maybe it was high time to rummage through a vault of bad guy’s evil alien technology.

“Sitting there and pretending that I don’t exist is not something I take lightly. I am currently contemplating the given circumstances of Dick’s reckless mind. What should we do?” Damian thought about many things. Have Tim come over and give Dick a lesson on how not to suck at being a tactician in real-virtual life, and maybe even Jason to teach the powers of hitting every enemy with infiltration and angry red lantern vibes. Ok, maybe not Jason since the two don’t talk to one another due to their last fight, but he and Tim are ok. Just get him on the phone, dial a few numbers, and…have Selina snatch the phone out of the little devil’s hand. “Hey! I was in the middle of a phone call!”

Selina looked at the number Damian started to dial. _Of course, he would call the smartest guy not in the current room. Poor, Dick._ Selina erased the numbers on the keypad and tossed the phone back to Damian. “Please don’t bring another innocent soul into your make believe, and I-put that communicator away! I am not going to tell you again!”

“Damnit, woman! I need some help here against moping man!” Damian refuted his claims with strategy and a focus on the fact that this could hinder Dick’s fighting abilities in the real world! What if the Joker broke out of Arkham tomorrow while no one was on patrol or Harley Quinn decided she wanted to have sex with any one night stand? Dick’s a man and ladies man to everyone that was within a acrobat mile away from this mansion!

 _What absurd thoughts this kid thinks. I am going to have to talk to Bruce about not having Damian stay up late watching late night conspiracies about weird things villains like to do doing their after-hours free time._ Selina rolled her eyes and went back to munching on her chips, giving Dick a glance every now and then. He seemed to be staring down at his phone with an intense expression on his face and typing furiously away to some guy that Selina couldn’t see the name of at the top of the screen. Couldn’t be a girl, his fingers don’t shake like that when talking to Barbra, one of his best friends and he treats her more like a sister than just another face in his memory.

Damian didn’t like the awkward silence. He picked up the controller and unpaused the game. If Dick were also going to ignore him then he wouldn’t mind a quick death to end this boring match. Using the trigger pads he went for a full-on special take down, causing the match to end. Damian dropped the controller to the ground and pumped his hands in the air for victory. This called for a taunt! He pointed his finger at Dick and started to go on about how he needed to get his head out of cloud nine but stopped when he saw the worried expression and the way he dropped his phone to the ground.

Dick leaned back against the couch; face turned in the opposite direction of the two. He only turned face this way when something really uncomfortable happened or he couldn’t be bothered to answer any questions. He decided to fidget with his hands and legs, hoping that someone would pick up the phone and read the messages before anyone asked him to read them out loud. They didn’t get the hint. In fact, the two thought that Dick really just had to go to the bathroom and use the fatal distraction as an excuse to why he was being so clumsy with his belongings. Bruce wasn’t going to buy him another phone for the fourth time. After being warned about not bringing it with him on missions, this was the tipping point for the billionaire, and what good are replaceable communicators are for if no one decided to take advantage of them?

“Just get up and go, Grayson!” Damian stood up and picked up the phone after ten minutes of silence. Grayson flinched when he saw Damian’s eyes squint down at the white screen that had many typing errors. “I am ashamed to call you my brother. You’re gushing over this girl with silly abbreviations and you can’t even spell ‘definitely’ correctly. If I was her, I would block your number for that.”

 _Ouch. Not even a remorseful look on those cold eyes. I better see what’s up with Dick’s messages._ Selina snatched the phone out of Damian’s hands before he could say anything else that would hurt the other feelings. She started scrolling through them to get a general consensus of the girl he was interested in…only…this didn’t seem to be like a girl he was chatting too. The number almost looked familiar and so did the way they typed. The conversation started out pleasant, the typical “hey” and “how are you?”, and then it proceeds down a path that changes the character of the other recipient. Almost abnormal for…who was this person!? She was tempted to go down to the batcave to have this thing analyzed by the computer since a certain ex-acrobat couldn’t form a coherent sentence with that blush all over his face. _Is he really embarrassed by all of this? The end of this message is not bad. Wait…he’s typing!_

The dots are motioning away. The response was asking him if he was still there. Clearly, Dick didn’t know if he wanted to say yes to this date or not. Selina smirked on the inside and thought of all the devious little messages she wanted to send to this guy, but she decided to keep it to basic one-word sentences as the other chose a time and place to meet. Nothing strange about a good old game of pool in a bar with a beer or three. Maybe Dick will thank her later for agreeing to this date. She proceeded again to type away at the keypad, nails clicking Dick’s love life away into the arms of another man. Once she hit send, she tossed the phone back to Dick. Yes, he’ll definitely thank her for this.

Dick picked up the phone and eyes widen as large as dinner plates. “No, you didn’t, Selina! Do you have any idea who you just set me up with?” Dick placed his head in his hands in attempt to hide his shame. Bruce was going to kill him! Wait, he doesn’t have to find out about this, does he? Dick doesn’t live here anymore and being a grown ass man gave him advantage! Man up, Dick! Be mature about this! When the two decide to leave the room he’ll text the other back and tell him that his phone was hacked. Yeah! Who wouldn’t believe that? They’re the Bat Family! Their stuff probably would get hacked by some old Gods, and no one would have any suspicion about it.

 _I have no regrets._ “I don’t have any idea who I just set you up with, Richard, but you need to take this opportunity to go out with someone. I know you have a crush on a certain bad guy, but maybe this other guy would be better for you? Bruce would approve.”

“No, no he wouldn’t. He would actually go after the man and make him put a restraining order on himself to not get within six feet of me.” Dick started to rock back and forth, forcing the controller off his lap on the ground. This couldn’t be happening! Why was this happening to him? Out of all the people this evil woman set him on a date with it had to be-

“GRAYSON! STOP MOPING! We all know about your girly crush on Slade Wilson! Get over it! Loving him is overrated, and you don’t need someone as self-centered and murderous as him! Learn from your past love interests and grab the bull by the horns; so that next time we play some knock off representation of us games you will have your head out of your ass!” Damian showed no mercy under that cunning insult. Sometimes he just had to stick it to him. With enough butter one could get the job done to a guy that wasn’t afraid of heights but was afraid to keep his boots on the ground. Where was the sense in that?

Dick moved his hands off his face and gave his little brother an icy glare. How annoying such a creature he was supposed to look after exists. He can’t wait till he becomes 100% Cat’s problem. “You really don’t get it do you? Who do you think is texting me?”

“Some guy or girl you met a bar, obviously. You go to this place all the time, and I am no stranger that you pick up people there.” Smug little bastard. Damian was going to eat those words if this was the last thing Dick ever did. “If a guy didn’t text you then it must be a girl. If it is then grab her, like her, and love her the way I do with dogs.”

 _That’s a terrible analogy. Damian loves animals, being a vegetarian and all, but don’t coo at the lady or man on the first date. They might get offended if you ask them if you want to pet their belly._ “Dick, don’t listen to Damian. Whoever this person is, I am sure everything will be ok. Bruce and I can even help you pick out an outfit for tomorrow nights special occasion.” _This should excite him a little bit. Dick in a nice casual piece of clothing other than shorts and a t-shirt. I can imagine a black long-sleeve shirt with a nice pair of jeans…clean brown boots. Hmm…now I see why he might be a man to everyone. Maybe comb that bed hair a bit. A slight turn off to those who just don’t dig the look of “I don’t feel like brushing my hair when I am forced to play with my little brother outside of work” face._

Dick got up from the couch and goes to the door. “You two are the worse! Forget about you two leaving the room! I am going home and going to bed. Don’t wait up for me, and sure as Hell don’t tell Bruce about this!”

“Don’t tell me about what?” Oh shit. Dick opened the door to see Bruce Wayne standing there with some nice looking red roses and a purple paper wrapped present with a silver bow wrapped around it in his hands. Dick sucked in his breath, and took a step back, letting his father come into the room. Why was he back early? Surely, he didn’t use these gifts as a reason for forced bonding time with his family, or maybe he was looking for a reason to leave the company meeting.

 _For me? He shouldn’t have._ “Thank you, Bat.” Selina stood up, wrapped her arms around the other’s neck, and gave him a gentle kiss on the mouth.

“Cat.” Bruce continued the gesture by wrapping his arms around his fiancé’s waist. “I…Hmmm…”

 _You’re one full of words today. That’s ok. Let’s just leave these two alone, and let the little blue jay slip out unnoticed._ Selina watched Dick tiptoe passed them and gently close the door behind him. _You owe me, Richard for saving you from your father’s slap._

Damian wasn’t very subtle with his approach to the problem and clueless as always he shouted out, “Hey! Did you two not notice that Richard left the room? Stop him!”

*****

The next day didn’t turn out so great for Dick. For starters, Selina and Bruce both showed up on his doorstep at a God-awful time in the morning, and then they demanded to take him out to get a change of clothes for his date tonight! They should be aware that Dick has been dressing himself since he was young boy, and he didn’t need the chaperone committee to come over and make sure he picked out something nice. This was a bar he was meeting this guy at, not some five-star Gordon Ramsay run restaurant. He rubbed his temple and let the two inside. He couldn’t say no to them. They’re just trying to help and making sure his date was not a murdering criminal. He couldn’t wait to shout out SURPRISE! THE JOKE WAS ON YOU THE WHOLE TIME! TAKE THAT, BRUCE AND SELINA!

Bruce looked around Dick’s apartment. “When was the last time you cleaned this place? I Know crime fighting takes a lot of your time, Dick, but you need to take some responsibility for your lack of placing your clean underwear in your drawer.” Bruce picked up a pair of blue boxer briefs and started to fold them. Dick instantly ran over to where Bruce was and snatched them away. He didn’t need his father to help fold his laundry! He also wasn’t about to be patronized by a man who doesn’t even do his own laundry!

 _Bat can fold clothes? Could’ve fooled me. He can get the underwear off but doesn’t like to place them neatly in the corner like the rest of us civilized people._ Selina watched the two bickers for a while over mandated chores for the morale till Dick’s phone started ringing. She watched him blink at the number that appeared on his phone and excuse himself from the room. Her and Bruce went over to where Dick was having a quiet conversation. She couldn’t hear much of anything with Dick’s low mumbling coming from the other side of the wall. She opens her purse and pulls out a listening device. Bruce gives her a look that asks why she has such a thing in her possession as he thought she turned over a new leaf. “What? You never know when juicy gossip about the Kardashians come into play, ok? I am a sucker for drama.” She placed the device against the wall and listened.

“-but…no, I don’t want to cancel after we talked last night, but, Slade…You know how my family are. If they find out I am going on a date with you, they’ll have my head!” There was a pregnant pause as he listened to his dates low warning of how childish he was acting over the fact that he lets them dictate how to lead his love life. “I…I know you’re right, but I am just worried for your safety.”

 _It’s my turn now for my eyes to turn into dinner plates. I am afraid to look at the Bat’s expression. The way he’s gritting his teeth is louder than Dick’s lowball conversation._ Selina pulled away from the wall to face Bruce’s stoic expression. She could see that deep frown lingering under his nose. Should she say something now or wait till they’re back in the car when Dick wasn’t around? But if she doesn’t say anything that would tell Bruce to be on his best behavior then things could get very ugly very quickly. Selina pulls Bruce away out of the room, and they head towards the kitchen. She shifted through cabinets to find something to calm Bruce’s invisible showing nerves down. She couldn’t find anything that would resemble a soothing tea after rummaging through the many shelves of soups, soda, and anything else unhealthy that started with an s, but wait! Booze! Perfect! She grabbed the whole bottle and two glasses. _Bottoms up, Bat! This is going to be a long and weird day for all of us._

Bruce pushed his glass filled whiskey away. “I don’t want any.” Good thing, because Selina just remembered that he will be doing all the driving, unless Dick wanted to step up to the plate, but the way he kept his apartment in a chaotic mess she doubted his driving abilities. She trusted Damian’s driving over the older one any day, and that was saying something. She poured herself a glass and cheered into Bruce’s empty one. It tasted really bad. She stuck her tongue out as if that would get rid of the taste. What was this kid into? This off brand shit wouldn’t fly in her living space. She pushed the bottle away.

“I see you two have found my cheap liquor.” Dick leaned against the kitchen door frame. “I knew you two were listening in on me. Why else would you be going through my food rations?” He didn’t like it when Bruce did this. Sometimes he wished the man would respect his privacy enough to just let him do things his own way, and if he gets in trouble? Then let him get in a bad boy kind of trouble. He really was looking forward to this date but having them around set the mood for a deeper kill streak then his game against Damian last night. Maybe he really should’ve just gone out and sparred with Jason instead. He wouldn’t be expecting him to ask stupid questions or tell him to stay safe.

Selina turned the quarter empty bottle around. “Yes, it did expire last month, and you never once bothered to open it. Maybe your brain was telling you not to drink this as it was going to be a bad idea.” That came out wrong. She wanted him to go out on this date with Slade. The whole socializing thing between the two would bring some minor balance. Slade wouldn’t change overnight but neither did she. Hell, he might not just change at all. Having a couple of kids and an ex-wife surely didn’t. _Maybe I am thinking too hard about this? Bruce is rubbing the wrinkles on his forehead away for what seems to be an eternity. He needs to stop that, or he’s going to add more to that pretty face of his._

“I am going out with him. You two won’t change my mind.” Dick stood his ground. This being his boots and showmanship that he can maintain his own sense of worth and ability to be able to tell a bad date from a good one. Why don’t they just trust him? Right now, he didn’t want to be around them. He held up his hand before Selina could speak again. “Forget it. I don’t want you two around me right now. Bruce, I know this upsets you, but I know what I am doing. He’ll not hurt me, and you know this. He knows you and possibly the rest of the Justice League would come after him if he even pulls a strand of hair out of my head, and that’s not a fight he wants to pick.”

Bruce thought for a moment. This being true…Slade wouldn’t really hurt Dick like that. He wasn’t stupid enough….but he might have some kind of device that would take them all out as if this was a giant trap. The great detective being overly paranoid again. Selina saw the torn expression on the war of two fronts on her lover’s face. She took his hands into her own and gave them a soft massage. Bruce instantly relaxed and gave her an exceedingly small smile. She just knew how to butter him up when he was feeling completely unhappy. He doesn’t ever not want her to stop doing.

“Feel better, Bat?” Selina lead Bruce to the front door of the apartment. She opened it up and gently pushed the man out the door. She turned back and gave Dick a wink. “Please be careful anyways, Richard. We like you to be at our wedding within the next year or so. Maybe we’ll make Slade a man of honor or something.”

“Over my dead body.” Bruce mumbled.

 _That can be arranged._ Selina covered her mouth to keep herself from laughing. Bruce glared at her, knowing what she was thinking, and he didn’t like it. Not one bit! Selina laughed harder as they get into the car.

*****

Night quickly came, and Dick stood outside the bar in question. It was old, full of motorbikes parked outside, and drunk people are stumbling out of the place with no care in the world to the people around them. They’re going to get slapped by one of those girls with the way they’re hooting and hollering at them. The ladies rolled their eyes and went back to enjoying their cigarettes, threatening them with the way they’re filing their nails all nice and sharp like. God, why did Slade ask him to meet him here for this date? He rather of had the Gordon Ramsay fine dining treatment.

“Have you been waiting here long?” Dick turned to see Slade standing there in a long dark coat and jeans. So, he did dress normally outside of his usual attire of black and orange with the accessories or swords and knives. Safe to say they’re not included in this set.

“No, I haven’t. I just don’t like the atmosphere here. Makes me either way to puke my guts all over the floor or punch one of them in the face.” Dick shuttered at the possibility of a bar fight. Then he definitely be proving Bruce right in the means of getting into relationships with the wrong type of men and picking fights with the wrong type of people.

“This is not the final destination of our trip tonight, Richard. I only wanted to meet you here, because I didn’t want anyone in your family to track my current residence.” In other words, another secret lair he set up in Gotham. Wonderful. If he wanted to be murdered and not found all he had to do was turn his “find phone” location off on his phone. That would really show everyone. Dick looked on down at his feet as he shuffled them. This was highly unlike him. He didn’t even dress as nice as Slade did. He threw on an old pair of jeans and a three-week-old shirt. No time to do laundry indeed. His shame came back in full force again. He crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring the breeze that instantly came over him. Slade took off his coat and placed it over the other’s shoulders. Dick wrapped it around himself, thankful for something to hide in. The coat is about twice his size!

Slade chuckled. “Come on. I’ll take you home and we can talk there. You drove, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but I can have someone come and get my motorcycle.” Dick didn’t want to leave his bike with this rough crowd, but his choices were limited. He sighed and got in Slade’s nice-looking car. He took a look back at his bike as they drove away. Good-bye, bike! He hoped that it was still there in the morning!

“I’ll have Wintergreen come get it. Don’t worry about your vehicle.” Slade didn’t say anything else as they drove in silence. There wasn’t much to say or go off of. Dick didn’t want to start a conversation that could turn really bad, and Slade wasn’t going to pressure the man into anything he didn’t want to do. This was just one date. No possible way this could lead into anymore.

They pulled up in front of Dick’s apartment. Dick made a dash out of the car first to get to his front door. He looked down to see that two bags of what appeared to be Chinese food laid on his doorstep. Surprised, he picked the bags up to inspect the contents of orange chicken with white rice. He looked up at Slade for answers only to be greeted by a cup of Coca-Cola. Dick guessed the other to-go cup was either tea or some kind of secret poison. “Thank you…right?”

“Yes, I had takeout delivered to your door. I figured we can eat in tonight and talk.” Slade waited patiently for Dick to open the door, so they both can go inside. He did like the wind flowing through his short white hair, but he also like the thought of warm fires and his coat back.

“Sorry.” Dick fiddled with the lock and opened the door. He turned on the light to be greeted by the good old stench of dirty clothes and stale old pizza. He couldn’t shake the embarrassment that his arch nemesis had now seen him in this light. Could he make himself blush anymore tonight? Maybe a goodnight kiss right now would savor the memory, and he could forget about his horrible messy life.

Slade followed Dick into the kitchen. They both sat down at the table and started unwrapping their meals and pulling out the utensils and napkins they’ll be using. Dick flattened the to-go container of rice and proceeded to drench it in the restaurants special sauce. He always liked that about Chinese food. The way he could taste the heat against God knows what the Hell were the ingredients are mouthwatering. Slade really did know how to enlighten him with a savory meal.

“I see you’re enjoying your meal.” Slade flicked a few grains of rice at Dick. “Don’t let the food have all the fun now. Save some room for a…kiss for dessert.”

Dick sputtered on his food. “Slade? Are you being serious right now?”

“What? I am a fan of Hershey Kisses and of you. I can have Wintergreen run down to the convenience store to pick up some to start up a bit of foreplay.” Slade leaned over the table, taking Dick’s face into his hands. “Or do you want to skip dinner and the talk? We could head straight to your bedroom and lie in your bed.”

“My bed is unavailable right now.” This was true. The current occupants are a mixture of clothes, weapons, and the occasional books. They might get jealous if he brings in a fourth member to their lovely polyinaminate object relationships.

“I’m jealous then. Perhaps another night?” Slade didn’t let go of Dick’s face. He enjoyed rubbing his rough thumbs against those bony cheeks. Dick didn’t try to remove those hands. He placed his fork covered in rice and sauce down. What was he to do? Let Slade kiss him? Was Bruce secretly watching to make sure that didn’t happen?

“I…” Dick moved his hands over Slade’s. “I would love that, and..” he brought Slade’s palm to his mouth and gave it a light kiss. “Can we settle for that? Just for right now. I want to be able to tell my family that I am alive and well with zero visible hickies on me.”

“I’ll settle for that.” Slade sat back down in his seat. “I can’t wait to spend more time with you and your family. I have a feeling we’re all going to get along well.”

Dick choked on his rice at that.


End file.
